I have spent a week contemplating whether to post this up. Feelings and emotions are sometimes said or written in the heat of the moment. But this reflection comes from the heart and the grief following a loved one’s stroke.
My perspective on life has changed after Nathan’s stroke. But there are times when I sit back and reflect. I reflect back on what has been and what could have been. And I realise that some things may never happen again, because of his injury, because of what has happened.
randomly jumping up on his back
getting woken up with a kiss goodbye before he goes to work
travelling anywhere and everywhere with such ease
exploring towns and going on hikes
walking behind him because he walked too fast
watching him play video games
being a passenger while he drives
holding his finger as we walked together
randomly going out for a drive into the hills
the lack of planning we needed when going out
coming home from work to find him playing with Neko
getting bear hugs
dressing up for date nights
exploring the city with him by my side
getting carried around when I got tired
going to the gym together
not having to worry when I go to sleep
I miss everything that was, my husband, my partner, my best friend, my lover, my whole world. However, we’ve both changed (for the better or worse?), our goals, focus and priorities, since his injury.
I hope, selfishly, that he will once again be able to pick me up and carry me on his back. I hope, selfishly, that he will once again be able to hug me with both arms, squeezing me tight in bed. I hope, selfishly, that he will once again be the husband that looked after me and cared for me. But in the meantime, I will unreservedly and without question be his wife, his partner, his carer, his anything and everything, so that he can focus on his goals and recovery.